devil’s workshop… the state of my mind

when you keep on waiting for something to happen with all your heart, your expectations invariably rise in proportion with the time elapsed; and by the time that it actually comes to you, you have forgotten why was it so much awaited in the first place….. at that time all that matters is that you’ve got it. the joy is not because of your achieving that thing really but because of the successful conclusion of that wait, of knowing that the you were biding by was not such a waste after all,it has brought you atleast something… it doesn’t matter if the utility or the quality or the significance of that thing has changed by then…

hehe…. i never wrote so much bullshit in 5 min ever  before… guess i’m getting worse by the day.. or maybe better at gibberish :P.

anyways, this was the summary of my last two months.didn’t have any work on hands. and now that there is some menial clerical job, in the end it doesn’t even matter what kind of work it is. see, i’ve even have the luxury to take time out to write this meaningless post.

signing off now….

ciao….

 

still can’t get in the groove of new life….

it’s official now. i’m a graduate :-)…. last month i was bestowed with my cherished and hard-earned degree with all pomp and show. the moment was magical,as if angels have come down to the earth to make this occassion auspicious…. am i overwhelmed?… nah, just exaggerating :-P…. anyways the point is that now all ties with my alma mater have been snapped. i have no reason to return to it although there is always this eternal longing to go back to its embracing  abode.

life in the office has been the way it was before.the only difference being my perception of it. non-college friends were never so boring before. nobody is adventurous enough to be insane or wild enough to do crazy stuff.  i’m not asking them to go bungee or sky-dive, a few goings-out would do. it’s been 3months since i joined and we haven’t even had a single outing per se… the only respite from this boredom is the once-in-a-blue-moon-trips back to the hostel where i still have some friends i can actually have fun with.

signing off now…. looking forward to a good weekend with those friends……..

 

beginnings of a post-insti era

things went pretty much smoother than what i had expected. there was no emotional dramas or crying or cribbing on farewell. we friends parted not as if it’s the end but as if it’s just anoher long holiday before we reunite again…though i have to admit that how gap left left things sore. she didn’t even say goodbye…hope things will get cleared out when we meet on convocation this weekend(yes..!!! i’m a graduate …!!!!!)

octa, of course , was the easiest as we’re still sharing a flat with two other girls. tips n poo still another year to go at the college.thus fortunately i didnt have to suffer from sudden isolation or alienation from the institute which i’ve got used to in four years.it feels more home than any other place i’ve known….sigh!

life since leaving the insti has been a blur.  a little less than two months since i joined office. a few days less than a month since moving out of parents’ house. it still feels so unreal. four years at the insti cannot be so easily and quickly forgotten i guess. it will take some time getting over it and moving on.i wonder how the others are managing…from what i’ve heard from others, not many people are happy where they are.but i believe it’s just the initial hiccups and won’t last very long.

back to convo…. it still hasn’t sunken in that i’m gonna be a graduate.the btp thing had haunted me ever since it became clear who my ‘guide’ was going to be. he did every possible thing to make me stay as long as he could within the session. and finally when it ended, it doesnt feel like it’s over. more than a year of thinking about btp and dumper has sort of made it a second nature to think of btp as something eternal and omnipresent, something that just cannot not be there. even this will take some time getting used to….

meanwhile at office, training got over peaceflly, was given n let go past a chance to go to the US, have been at bench since. i’m given some or the work every now and then but the rest of the time it’s just sitting idle and pretending to do something important.that’s what i’m doing even now

taz’s b’day is approaching. i’d wanted to send him a courier but that option turned out to be very costly so i’ve settled only upon a greeting card ehich reminds me that it’s gotta be done soon.

ok now i’ve got something else to do…so stopping now

 

the final year at college is drawing to a close and it’s about time to leave. how am i feeling???…..well nothing as of yet. maybe because of so many other things that have been going on around me……extension of BTP….mysterious change in gap’s behaviour…sudden realisation that i still haven’t found flatmates….an unexpected long silence from people in Germany(all of Britta,Markus, Tassilo and Michl)….the extremely high weight of guilt due to Nainital trip….etc etc…
but sometimes when we sit together and discuss how will life be after we step out of here and step into the real world, i get scared. not because i dont find myself capable of handling any kind of challenges,but because i worry that we won’t be able to maintain as good a friendship as we have now………ok so we have decided that we’ll take a vacation together every year and be in touch but i’m not sure if everyone is really going to do that.
watching ‘Dil Chahta Hai’ yesterday deepened this worry…as it is, not all of us friends would be living in the same state,leave alone the city. perhaps we’ll find a new group at our new workplace or at home and life will go on as ever. we’ve been doing this all our life,haven’t we?
first we left behind kindergarten friends,then high school,then secondary school,maybe now it’s turn to leave college friends behind.

 

grapes are sour…and so is shrikhand

human nature is so strangely unique.our perception of the reality sometimes makes us see a distorted picture and we end up thinking of it as real. e.g. in a relationship between two individuals, both of them are obviously not committed to the same degree and the law of averages comes into picture. the problem arises when one ends up having higher expectations out of the relationship and is thus disappointed at times when those expectations are not met.

when you care for someone you automatically assume that the other person also cares that much about you. it's hard to come to terms with the fact that his aspirations could be any lesser. a small incident sometime ago made me realise this…

it was after the mid-sem break when all of us were meeting for the first time after five days at home. i was at gap's room discussing how we spent the time at home, when one of her friends called and she had to go to meet him. she picked up a box of what looked like sweets and was going out when i asked her what it was. she then told me that it's 'shrikhand' that she had brought from home for her that friend i didn't mind her going to meet him leaving me stranded,because i have got used to this by now. but what hurt me was her giving preference to her that friend. even after mentioning about the 'shrikhand' i didn't get to even have a look at it forget about having a bite.

initially i was quite upset, but then it dawned on me that maybe that's how it is supposed to be. if i give her a high place amongst my friends it doesn't mean that she has to do the same. she is entitled to choose her own 'circle of trust'.

the shrikhand has left a sour taste in my mouth and i'm having hard time digesting it (even though i didn't get to get even as much as a bite).

 

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belated…..

it took a long time in coming but finally……….I GOT A JOB!!!!!!!!
it’s been a while now since it happened.atleast one burden is off my back now. the only thing that remains to be seen now is if i’ll be able to complete my degree in time. please god just let me do it in time i don’t care about grades anymore. just do something so that dumper is kind enough to let me go soon…

 

King Kong

its amazing what brand name can do to the marketability of your product.attach a superb brand name with a mediocre product and watch it still sell like hot cakes.take the case of the movie ‘King Kong’ for example.

it’s at best a mediocre movie with the name of ‘The’ Peter Jackson to go with it and voila! it’s a runaway hit. people throng to the theatres like nails to magnet.seriously, i fail to understand what is so great about the movie. taken, that the original was a classic and jackson is a gifted director but the movie hasn’t come out to expectations…atleast mine.

for starters, it’s so slow paced that by the time the story actually begins to roll, i was waiting for it to get over soon. then, there is so much of focus on displaying the prowess of their technical supremacy that the emotions have been kind of taken a backseat.you come out of the hall and you talk about the special effects in place of acting et al…..but the worst part was the unnecessary bloodshed. what should have been a heart warming story of a beast falling for a beautiful damsel was reduced to a gory tale of a group’s adventure into a deadly island.they have put in every kind of barbarism imaginable from aboriginal tribals to dinosaurs to filthy creepy crawlies to huge ugly flying beasts.so while our damsel in distress is busy with the mighty ape, her friends are having quite a time battling with all kinds of dangers, many of them losing their lives in the process.

what i found lacking was the chmistry between the lady and King Kong.you may say how cute King Kong looked etc.,but that’s about it.he’s cute that’s it. they hardly spend any time together so it hardly seems convincing that the beast would go to such lengths for the girl he loves.the role of the heroine’s love interest was reduced to nothing more than an extra. we have wasted an actor of the calibre of adrein brody here.

in the end,what else can i say but …thank god i didn’t waste my money and time in watching the movie in a cinema hall. it was worth my PC screen only.

 

so here comes the realisation that i was referring to in my previous post………

i have been getting this feeling for some time now that i’ll fall for a foreigner. ever since i have returned from my brief stint in germany, i am finding it hard to like any indian guy as much as i liked the european guys that i met there. i guess it has more to do with my liking towards europeans than my disliking of indian guys. another factor could be the accessability or availability.few indians are as open, frank and honest as the europeans.maybe it’s the novelity of them that has attracted me for a while,maybe it’s a short-lived phase only, but while it’s here it’s very much there.

i always had a soft corner for foreigners, ever since i was about 7 when i met any of them for the first time. but unlike now,previously this soft corner was over-ridden by a small voice in my head which said, ‘achha hai to kya hua,firangi hai’. now that small voice has completely gone mute. now one thing is for sure- if i ever go abroad again, i won’t go single.because if i do, i don’t think i’ll come back alone.

 

the firang invasion

what a day it was today…like a whiff of fresh air, to break the monotony that my life had become.for a long time now all i had been doing was attending the same old classes, going to the same old btp lab, meeting up and chatting with same old friends, in short, following the same old damn routine… all these factors made today more fun than it would have been otherwise.

it was open house in the hostel, ‘informals‘ being the preferred name.this being my last semester here i had considered inviting some friends over but ultimately decided against it.this day would have passed like any other, without anything to write home about had it not been for stef (she’s a french born swiss national who’s here as an exchange student). she had invited four of her friends over including octa’s firang crush floe ( cho chweet n cute he is).

ordinarily i wouldn’t have cared about joining the party but for octa.she was sleeping when i informed her about floe.and man, did she spring up or what on hearing about him.didn’t waste even a second in getting up and getting ready. mind you this is the same girl who is always lethargic and enthu-less wherever alacrity is the keyword.hmmm moving on….octa is not on talking terms with either stef or floe and is too shy to initiate a conversation herself. thus,yours truly was forced into giving her company. and there i was (in my pyjamas and chappal for god’s sake) trying to somehow get her talk to floe.

for quite a while we just observed them,not knowing how to approach. she was particularly apprehensive. after much ado i managed to get her along. i went up to stef and started a conversation. after some prodding we got all of them dancing to indian songs and in indian ishtyle. it was so much fun.first they copying us,then formulating new steps on their own.these movements were as varied as bollywood pelvic gyrations to swimming strokes.olivier especially was very pepped up and floe followed closely……then they entered a game and stef won.and boy, that was some bumps we showered on her.

our group was the centre of everyone’s attraction (even the caretaker remarked on our enthu and olivier’s dancing skills later in the night). soon people started joining us and the fun increased manifold. it was difficult to tell for how long we had been there.time just passed.it thus came as a shock when the house was declared close. there was nothing more left to do now than say goodbyes.

all in all it was an evening worth it. octa got to meet floe and talk to him. i and matty got a much needed break from a life quite un-happeing for some time now. xavier,olivier,floe and romeo got an experience of what indian dance party is like.earlier,numerous attempts of stef were not fruitful in convincing them to join the party.stef was relieved that her friends enjoyed.

ahoy firangs for their enthu….by the way,did i mention that olivier sang a few lines of ‘dhoom machale’……..

P.S.:this day made me realise something…..i’ll put it up in the next post