some things are not meant to be….

after four consecutive days of not attending a single class,today i woke up with full enthusiasm to attend all the classes.but some things are not meant to be.my BTP guide was in the worst mood ever and i could not afford to leave the lab without showing him some work,which translates into another F slot bunk….
after much proscrastination i got my act together thinking that let today be the lucky day when i start work on my BTP for this sem. but some things are not meant to be. the guide demanded that the lab inventory be updated and i was left doing it till past lunchtime…..
i was eagerly awaiting for this huge company,so that i could try my luck with placements.but some things are not meant to be.they prescribed a cgpa cut-off which i missed by a whisker….
after enormous cajoling i had persuaded a friend to start playing squash regularly with me.but some things are not meant to be.she pushed herself too hard the first day itself and today was in no condition to as much as lift her hand……
after trying so hard and going through so much of self denial,i had convinced myself of the non-availabilty of a guy i had a crush on and made myself strong enough to not to think too much about him.but some things are not meant to be.i hate to admit it but watching him showering his affection on another girl made me mad…..
finally,i wanted to keep away from instant messengers and net-surfing as far as possible .but some things are not meant to be…..no rational excuse here

 

crap crap crap

i was just listening to “affirmation” by Savage Garden when this thought crept into my mind……….
in a relationship, what does loyalty mean and how important is it?
does it mean sticking with the same person forever?
which is more important?…
a…monogamy
b…trust
to start with, let’s drop the crap about morality and ‘if you really love someone you won’t even think about anybody else’, blah blah….
really, what would you rather have? a person who says he loves you but doesn’t hesitate in getting his sexual desires fulfilled elsewhere occassionally; or a person who is monogamous but cann’t help fantasizing about others?…..going by the bookish description of love ( i cann’t comment on what love is owing to lack of experience in the field ), ‘if you really love someone, set him free.if he returns to you he loves you. if he does not,he never was’.but then,how many people can actually let go of all the negative emotions like jealousy, envy, greed,selfishness etc. while dealing with a matter as sensitive as this?
why go far.if i see myself in this kind of situation, i think even i won’t be able to get rid of an element of selfishness. it’s but human to strive to get the best of all the worlds. on one hand, you expect your partner’s inherent trust in you that you won’t go astray.on the other, at some small place in your mind, you yourself are sceptical about trusting your partner completely…
hmmm……..human beings are so hypocritical.

 

first hinglish post

pata nahi kya ho gaya hai..aajkal kahin mann sa nahi lagta. dheron kaam hai sar pe lekin phir bhi kuch kar nahi rahi hoon…
just feel like leaving everything n running off to a distant place. kinda escapist attitude i knw but can’t help it. im totally into dormancy, doing absolutely nothing. have hardly attended ne classes. kumbhkaran ki tarah soti hoon. brkfast missed..lunch gone…get up just in time for tea n snacks.bas fir dinner, gappe aur din khatam.
upar se majors aur kareeb aa rahe hain…kuch nahi padha is baar (
hey bhagwaan……bachao plz.i dont wanna stay here for another yr…bas degree time pe complete ho jaye aur kuch nahi chahiye.

 

the balancing act

i have the best of friends…each one of then almost perfect. but if there was one thing i could change about them,that would be that they become good friends of one another too(at present, only two of them are). atleast i won’t have to do the balancing act all the time.
at times when we’re together, one can feel and virtually see the tension in the air.and since all of them are my very good friends and i cannot afford to lose any of them,many of the times i am left trying to smoothen out the differences and ensuring that there is no spat.it’s not so bad as long we’re having fun,but the situation becomes grave when we start discussing some issue.that’s when the differences come out in the open. for me,it’s like walking the tightrope then. you’ve gotta maintain the perfect balance.can’t throw weight on either side,can’t favor or criticise anybody.
i don’t get it.i mean all of them are grown ups now.they behave so mature one-on-one with me.but as soon as the third person comes in,it gets all topsy turvy.they hide stuff from each other asking me not to tell it to the others.it’s hard to believe that even within just the six of us,more than half dont know that one of us even has a boyfriend or about another’s crush or another’s proposals and stuff like that.when we’re in group,i feel like sort of a storehouse of dark secrets just waiting to burst out any time.sometimes,another friend’s funda sounds so friendly…if two good friends share a secret and they have a third good friend,then shouldn’t all three of them know all about each…at the same time,i know i can’t let their trust in me down.
sigh…..it’s not easy to keep secrets……sigh sigh!!!

 

random scribblings

it’s been a long time…my mind has been a royal mess.full of arbitrary thoughts and confusions and dilemmas and utter mayhem.

situation 1: you are given a task to complete and a deadline to do so.you are aware of its imminence but still you don’t make even an inch of a progress fearing that the result might not be desirable.you keep dillydallying to postpone it as much as you can,always in a fix as to whether to do it and get it over with or avoid knowing the result for as long as you can.

situation 2:ever faced a situation where you had to choose between what seemed good and what is thought of as good by the people? who do you listen to then,the heart or the mind.tough to make a decision huh?….but imagine knowing what is good,which even feels good but the people want you to do the opposite.what do you do then?how much do you resist…do you ultimately give in? coz if you do what the people want you to,who’s there to judge you or punish you?except only you perhaps?isn’t it worse?

situation3:you know something about one of your best friends which is important for her to know but it might break her heart.again…should you tell her?and if yes,how to break the news?

 

Blues…and reds….and greens….and what not and what not……

after a brief respite from the normal academic routine,it’s back to the usual now….and you are expected to switch from the mode of utter euphoric to another,that of a studious sincere student as if you are an android,operated by a mechanical remote control.

for 3-4 days you are a part of the immense human population that converges at one place to have fun. the last event ends on sunday night,you say tata-goodbye to outgoing friends,then you loaf around to savour the last bits of whatever is left,then there is the customary analytical meeting where you discuss and analyse all the happenings during the last few days and come out with certain logical conclusions (yes,they are logical…believe me), then you want to spend some time with your sis who is leaving the next morning but there is an 8 o’ clock class to attend the next morning,that too of the sit-through course of your BTP guide;so you decide that it’s better to go to sleep.you hardly sleep for 3 hrs when the alarm goes off and you have no choice but to get up and run for classes.

you are no more used to get up so early and with all the nightouts you cannot manage to be in time for breakfast( that’s the case even at other times though),you reach the class late.but you are still unfazed, taking heart in the fact that there are not too many classes today and the rest of the day is chill.but just then,you get a call in the middle of a lecture.you risk expulsion from the class by picking it up only to find that it’s your BTP guide who tells you to come and meet him at 11am.you reach him and then he gives you work.you miss your lunch too because you are working.at 3pm you tell him that you have a class hoping that atleast now you have a chance to get away,but he doesn’t let you go reasoning that BTP is more important.you are bubbling with anger but there is nothing you can do.you stay in the lab till 5pm, the reason that you can now leave is that they have to close the lab.

could my BTP be any more pain than what it already is. it seems like this is the only thing left in the life now.cannot go home,b’cause i’m supposed to meet him even on saturdays…..oh god! are you there???…..buzz…

life has become so monotonous. i need a break.the exams start next week after which there is a 8-day break.i just hope that he lets me off for this period atleast.but knowing him,i better be prepared for spending my break in the holy pursuit of completing my BTP….

whoever reads this…..please pray for me.i need blessing and lots of them.

 

just another night

third day today into the cult fest of my institute…
it has been going okay.the events are not much to write home about.they are pretty much the same every year.the only difference this year being the arrival of a few friends from another place.i won’t write whether it was good or bad…

my sis is here this weekend.but oddly enough,it’s my friends who are getting to spend more time with than me.we’ve hardly had a conversation since she came,barring the one tonight.there is always somebody or the other at my room(not that i mind it) and it’s then tough to talk to her the way i do when alone with her.she’s sort of my counsillor and psychological guide and having have to stay away from this aspect of our relationship doesn’t feel so good.

on the nocturnal front…i’d planned to sleep it out tonight to be perked up tomorrow but lady luck wanted it the other way.there was already my sis staying at my room and upon that,i also had to let stay a friend’s sis.coincidentally,all my friends slept early this particular day and now,there is no place for me to sleep,which means….another nighout.makes me wonder…have i turned insomniac??? i hope not.

ok now that friend’s sis is getting up.she’s leaving in hour or so.maybe then i’ll be able to catch some sleep.

 

what a day

what a day!
seriously…..what a day!!!
a day of auditing courses, withdrawing courses, having started attending the sit-through A slot course [class at 8am ], lots and lots of skyping, gtalking [did anybody say yahoo!...sounds familiar], fun with concealed, assumed, guessed, mistaken and revealed identities, wasting time, procrastination, sloth, etc. etc.
this place is too short to write about today. and i won’t even try

 

apologies Mr. Frost

sloth is lovely, tempting and easy
but work is keeping me busy
colloq to do before i sleep
btp to do before i sleep…..

(my apologies to mister robert frost here ;P)

wht a day..followed by …what a night,or rather a nightout!
had classes from 8am(early mornings make me sick…urghhhh),then time for btp.spent ( or wasted?) whole of my afty there trying to figure some stuff out and well..made a little progress.
had a taste of post-monsoon showers today.was returning from insti when it started to rain.couldn’t stop myself from stepping out in the rain.was soaked to the skin by the time i reached hostel.but ’twas fun.
at the moment still working on the presentations and the report.also trying to find some respite from the grind,watching shawshank redemption(one of the best movies ever made) side by side…..”they send you for life here and that’s what they take from you”…morgan freeman just said that..
well then….let’s try to marofy some fight to complete the work…another nightout ahead

 

happy b’day dear friend

on 13 was my best friend’s b’day(happy b’day dear)
this time around,we planned a small surprise get-together for her.bought a b’day cake & invited everyone without letting her get even an iota of a hint.to make the things more dramatic,we kept scolding her for not doing anything special on this day.oh,it was so much fun watching her trying to explain while we pretended not to listen a thing
just as it was striking 12 all of us gathered to finally reveal the surprise.the rest was just as it always is….with the bumps & a small snack at nescafe & stuff.wud hv done more if it wasn’t for tht stupid assignment to be submitted the next day…

moving on….still have no idea what i’m gonna do in my btp presen or colloq presen.
but there is still time.i’ll surely figure something out.

P.S.:im feeling so homesick now (………have stayed at home for only a few hours in the last more than 4 months.